It is five in the morning. I hear the first crack of thunder as if it is God’s alarm sounding to all of creation to arise and begin a new day. And this is the Lord’s day.
Before long, the rain begins. Instantly, it pours. And with it, my emotions. Every last thought and feeling from the previous four weeks suddenly appears in a wet blur at the bottom of my eye. I wipe the tear as a race of picture-like emotions fly through my head like music on a player piano.
A flash of lightning stops my thoughts. The sudden bang of thunder seems to allow my heart to crumple beneath the sound. I stay still. I’m waiting for something. But it doesn’t come. I should be sobbing under the pain of my body and the ache in my heart. But I’m still and I’m not sobbing.
Something must be wrong. I quietly listen to the water drench the ground in many loud splashes outside my open window. I feel alone. What has this injury done for me? Confined me to a bed for weeks with nothing… nothing but time to kill and unrelenting pain.
It begins to rain even harder. I’m beginning to feel crushed and suddenly wish I could drown in the wet storm just inches behind me. I wonder if it’s even healthy to let emotions go so far. But I have been here alone for weeks with little feelings, save pain, being announced to the world. Now I feel as if each clap of thunder does what I have not. The silent screams of my heart pound through the sky along with light flashing every few minutes.
I’ve missed my life! I want my job back, to see my friends, to go back to church, to walk, to run. I want to laugh! Because I’m happy. Not because I need to laugh. I want to feel no pain. I want to hear someone else’s voice. I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I want to be better. I need to be better.
Suddenly, the rain surrenders. Noise begins to soften and I hear a melody begin to play in my head. It blends with the soft patter of the raindrops and the barely audible whistle of the nearby birds. I can see the first five words to the song roll across my mind’s eye.
Creation sings the Father’s song.
And I realize I am not alone. That I have never been alone. My heavenly Father loves me. I am His child. He hurts when I hurt. And I suddenly feel as though the morning storm was a duet sung between my heart and my Father’s voice. I feel like I know what Jesus looked like as He wept for Lazarus. How He cried for God to forgive me when He was owning my sin. I hear another song.
His heart is touched with my grief.
I give in to the truth revealed to me. God does not allow me to bear that which I am unable to handle. He knows my limits. He made me! And even when I’m bearing that much which He allows, I can feel His arms around me, His voice echoed in creation telling me to hang on.
Now nothing remains but the wind through the trees as I can see the rays of sun begin to cast their light across this part of the globe. I feel like I am walking on the water with the Lord. I have faltered in weak faith, but He caught my hand and called me to trust. I close my eyes as a calm, soothing rain sound begins. I stop listening only once to realize that for an hour, I have felt no pain at all.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.