Lots of people have been pointing out my engagement photo in the newspaper. Each time I have to calmly look them in the eyes and tell them that I am no longer engaged. This gets me tons of shocked expressions. I’m sick of doing this. I don’t want to tell anyone else that I’m no longer going to be married. I’m not interested in proclaiming the news of something that hurts.
You know what’s hard about this? Everything. I’ve tried my best to make biblical decisions, react biblically to the outcomes, and to move on with a biblical attitude. The Lord truly is my help in time of need… but it’s still hard. My problem? I didn’t let it hurt. Until tonight.
Tonight I experienced a situation that showed me the only thing left to do… is to let everything hurt. I don’t care if people think that I’m depressed, emotional, lonely, rude, or anything else! I’m going to let everything hurt for right now. After that engagement broke up, I couldn’t bring myself back from the pain I felt in my heart. I felt like I couldn’t get the real Rissa back. I still feel this way. But I think the real Rissa is hiding under a blanket of pain that needs to be acknowledged in order to disappear. A wise Christian lady recently told me everything I needed to hear along these lines…
Rissa, let the Lord hold you up. Go ahead and admit that it hurts. Be honest with yourself. God will bring little sprinklings of joy mixed into the tears of grief.
Time won’t erase how it feels to be on this side of a broken engagement. Time can’t fix anything and I can’t fix anything. God can. And as soon as I am honest with myself about the hurt, the sooner I can be honest with God about how much I need Him. I have to cast down my pride and quit trying to let the pain lull itself into oblivion.
So what’s next? Well, I suppose it’s letting some tears fall and some feelings die. As much I want to, I can’t be ashamed of this. Helplessly relying on God to take care of pain is a good thing. I guess sometimes you just have to hurt to be a better recipient of the Lord’s grace and comfort.
“I am certain that I never did grow in grace one-half so much anywhere as I have upon the bed of pain.” – Charles Spurgeon